Sitting While He Sleeps...

My little guy got his first cold last night. We were up every two hours as he battled congestion, his little nose dripping and crusty. It made my heart ache to see him struggle to breathe and to be so tired but unable to get comfortable. Now I am sitting in his room with him while he naps, listening to the river sound on the iphone app, feeling more relaxed and at peace than I was earlier. He woke up this morning with his Sam smile, as bright as ever despite the clogged nose. I wrote it all out this morning and was reminded of the power of getting thoughts down on paper, the act of longhand and seeing my handwriting on the white page. It is always cathartic. I don't do it nearly enough. It felt great to get out pent up anxieties and let my life spill over onto the page. Seeing the words there, out of my head, helped a great deal. I feel more peaceful and assured.

Little Sam is such a teacher. I struggle with figuring out this mom/me balance, defining who I am now that my day-to-day world is shared with this little being, my little guide who can't communicate in words with me. I feel envious of my friends who get to go to work (never thought I would write that!) while also so fortunate that I can stay at home right now and be a mom to Sam. The pull of the two worlds is so strong, and I am trying to remember to stay in the moment and realize that someday, fairly soon, Sam won't be so small, won't need sustenance only from my body, will want to run and play and interact with others besides his mama. This time is preciously short and it is a lesson in patience and dedication and nowness.

I hope my little guy feels better soon. Daddy is away for the week and the taste of single momdom is upon me, intensified now with Sam's slight cold. We will persevere though and will fill our days with friends and getting outside in the glorious weather. The sunshine and warm breezes are so soothing....